Cooking is for losers. That's why I couldn't make anything today lord. Three meals and the only thing that worked was the cold cereal. I didn't know you even could mess up tuna fish sandwhiches! And really, it wasn't my fault the can of chicken and gravy splattered all over me. It was a bad canopener, it wouldn't open it all the way. You know that lord. It wasn't my fault that when i tried to push it open a eruption of chicken and gravy spewed out from it, as the sharp edge of the lid cut open my hand. And the candy apples? Who knew that you arn't supposed to cook the candy as long when your using half the recipie? I certainly didn't.
Lord, I guess my point is that...I was mad you know? I didn't mean what I said. I know that thousands of people work for the "Banquet", and "Chicken of the Sea" companies. I didn't mean what I said when I asked you to please burn their bodies in vats of liquid hot candy apple syrup. It was an unguarded moment, something slipped out of my mouth.
And yes, perhaps the unguarded moment did last an entire thirty minutes. Please spare them lord! I know I asked you to rip them apart at a molecular level, but it's not their faults that I can't cook! I know I also gave you a good reason to do it lord. I told you that they were lower than dirt. They were corperate executives. And perhaps the path they chose was not the best one in life. Perhaps one day a random mugger off the street will shoot them and end their reign of boxed dinner terror. But that's not my desicion to make lord, it's yours.
So here I am throwing myself at your feet and interceding on their behalfs. The boilings and subsequent candy apple syrup coatings of thousands of semi-innocent souls could be on my hands lord. And I don't think i'm ready for that. Perhaps if you just had them attacked by a pack of angry turkeys, or even just tripped their feet out from under them as they were trying to show their girlfriends that they were still young by playing a game of hopscotch.
One more thing lord; that thing I told you about the kangaroo and the mudwrestling...it wasn't true. I've never been to australia. I've never even been on a plane! I didn't take that money, and I certainly didn't wrestle a kangaroo for it! Kangaroo's don't wrestle anyway, they box!
And finally lord...the frog I killed. I know all I needed to do was bash it on the head. Perhaps I shouldn't have even killed it, but the frogs are taking over our pool and it's disgusting. Perhaps, I should've just bashed it and threw it off in the woods. I'm sorry for letting my anger get the best of me. But really, in biology classes in highschool they dissect frogs. How different is chopping one up into tiny little pieces with a machete? Not very different at all. In fact there were only 6 or 7 peices. The 4 limbs and 3 body sections. You know I never would have done that normally...but I saw the frog there, and I saw the machete, and I kept replaying that scene in my head when I was 7 years old. I remember it like it was yesterday....
Jason (the older brother): Common Jesse! It's just a frog! Chop it up! Pretend it's a bad guy.
Jesse (the innocent 7 year old): But Jason, it's alive. I can't just kill a living thing. The lord loves it, just like he loves me and you.
Jason (talking in hushed tones): Listen you 7 year old little missfire, if I don't see that frog lying on the ground in 10 bloody little pieces in the next 15 seconds i'm gonna let it live.
Jesse (confused): I don't get it.
Jason (psychotic): Oh yeah, i'm gonna let it live. I'm even gonna feed it. And do you know what i'm gonna feed it?
Jesse (frightened): My toes?
Jason (laughing): You catch on pretty quick Jess. Now, common, chop chop!
Jesse (lifts machete over his head as a single tear rolls down his cheek): I'm sorry my amphibian little friend!
Frog (realizing what's going on): Holy S*&%, F this man i'm outta here!
Jason (Angry): Get back here you dang frog, I'm gonna cut you up and use you as bait when I go fishing with the Greysons!
Jesse (Innocent): I'm sorry the frog ran away Jason.
Jason (sitting degenerately): What am I gonna do now? I promised Mr. Greyson I'd had frog leg bait for him.
Jesse (Cute): I don't know what we're gonna do Jason. But I can tell you one thing, whatever it is, we'll do it together!
Jason (mixed emotions): Jesse...you LITTLE F$%&! IF YOU'D JUST KILLED THAT FROG I'D HAVE MY BAIT! I'm gonna ram this stick so far up your butt you won't be able see straight!
Jesse (running and screaming): AHHHHHH!!!!
(flashback ends)
And that was the moment i brought the machete down on the frog lord. Life seems so simple until your faced with a choice like this. But sadly, I made the wrong one. Forgive me lord. Forgive me!
(Flashback taken from "Tennessee and Me: Memoirs of Jesse")
For more information please write Jesse at...his e-mail address.
